End as you mean to go on. Or should that be start? We’re on the edge of 2011, staring down the barrel of 2012. I’m wrapping up this mad, tangled year with a cup of tea and a seat by the fire, basking in the glow of twenty-one successful eBay listings and the wonderful news that one of my poems has been published in the latest issue of Railroad. It’s a good way to wrap up 2011, and before I look ahead I would like to look back at everything else that’s occurred.

2011 was the year I…

…left the country.

At the end of February, after months of planning, I quit my job in the bookshop and travelled across the United States. They were the best weeks of my life. I cannot understate my gratitude and love for the people I met, the friends I made, lessons learned and experiences enjoyed. I wish I could do it all again only this time without it ending. Relive my USA adventure: here, here , here and here.

…recorded an audiobook.

Marley is probably the hardest working person I know. He keeps an eye on us unruly artists with his production company, Naplew Productions, and seems to have an endless supply of creative projects and brilliant ideas. I love him and loved working with him on the Fight the Sky audiobook, the making of which almost killed me, but I do adore the end result. Have you downloaded it yet? Have you laughed at my pitiful croaking towards the end?

…released Revolve.

2010 was all about my short stories collection. This year I released a second book under the Painting Lies imprint, a poetry collection called Revolve. It collects together pieces from 2004, right up to my return from America at the start of this year. I’m proud of it. Poetry is personal and it can be daunting to “get it out there” and into people’s hands, but I’ve managed it with this little book. I was also thrilled that the GoodReads promotional giveaway attracted over 700 entries from around the world. Still waiting on that first Amazon review, though…

…lived in a tent.

Between May and mid-October I lived in a tent in The Netherlands, working for a holiday company. I did this because I wanted to try something new, and also because I wanted the experience of working abroad. It was testing and an emotional drain at times, but I’m glad I did it. I met some wonderful people, got really into baking and fell head over heels in love with Holland. It’s best summed up by the poem I wrote, All Roads Lead To Duinhell.

…made a comeback.

After moving back to England, I went back from whence I came (for a short time, at least). I got a temporary position at the bookshop again. I sold a few books, found a few familiar, friendly faces, and slipped back into the routine of Wake, Work, Curse The Rail Service, Repeat.

…finished a novel.

I started writing a story, Doors, in May 2010, after Fight the Sky was published. I took it seriously then and still do now. On New Year’s Eve 2010 I completed the first draft, and have spent all of 2011 re-drafting and crafting it into something nigh on presentable. I’m happy with it and plan to publish it in the summer, if all goes to plan…

…started a new novel.

In November I set my heart on a follow-up to Doors. This will conclude the overall story, and kiss goodbye to another chapter of my life. For now, I’m calling this second novel Flipside. It’s still early days but it’s good to have that first draft creativity flowing again.

…lived alone.

Two days after returning from Holland, I moved into my own place. I’m in love with the solitude and can’t complain for all the space and opportunity I have to write, which is really all I’ve ever wanted to do. I know I can’t keep it forever, so I’m going to enjoy Solo Life while it lasts, and get as much out of it as possible. The day will come when I have to force my infurirating habits and obsessive behaviours on other human beings again, so we all might as well enjoy the peace for the time being.

…walked away.

There have been no specific confrontations, but I’ve walked away from many situations this year. I have no interest in struggling over things, or fretting, or worrying who or what or when I’ve caused an upset. At the beginning of 2011 I decided to Just Roll With It, and it’s a philosophy I can see myself sticking with. No arguments, no unnecessary emotion, no chasing after people or letting myself get hurt. Just pick yourself up and get on with it. Walk away if you have to. And if you can mend it later, try.

2012 is the year I will…

…try veganism.

I’ve been harking on about this for a few years now, and this time I mean to try. Since moving back to England I’ve been gradually removing dairy from my diet, and I think I’ll do okay. I can give this a decent chance. If It doesn’t work for me, I’ll be able to say I gave it serious effort. Here goes nothin’.

…publish a(nother) book.

Doors is coming. I want the second half ready by the end of the year. Push push push yourself apply apply apply and make somebody take notice.

…spread the word rather thin.

I will enter writing competitions (even the ones there is no hope of winning), I will find a writing group, I will talk to more writers, I will Get Myself Out There, I will try and I will believe. I will be nice. And most importantly, I will enjoy.

…study.

There’s a small plan forming, involving a course in the spring, and if all goes well, another in the summer. I don’t know what will come of it so I’m saying nothing more for now, in case it never happens. But I know self-improvement is an on going, wondrous thing that doesn’t come easy, so I’m taking steps over the next twelve months to progress myself further. There is always something you can be better at.

I’m looking forward to reading everybody’s hopes and resolutions for the New Year. I hope everybody enters it happy and achieves what they set out to. And hey, if the world’s still around at the close, maybe we can have this conversation again.

Here are a few overused and meaningless words I despise:

~*Fabulous*~
Festive
Fresh
Free
Fierce

Why do they all begin with F? It makes my blood boil that anything remotely feminine deemed worthy for advertisement is either fabulous or glamorous or drowning in sequins. Festive is so liberally applied to anything within five metres of a string of tinsel that it now looks wrong when applied to any other occasion, such as Hallowe’en or Easter. There is so much emphasis on food being quality and fresh when really, there is nothing fresh about Subway. The salad comes out of a bag. There ain’t nothin’ fresh about Greggs sausage rolls or pizza slices from Ditsch or pretzels or donuts or milkshakes. Stop cramming such processed twice-digested rubbish down my throat – I know what it is, it is junk! And free? Don’t make me choke. If everything claiming to be interest free or free for the first year or available now with a free digital copy or 100% extra free was actually all it was cracked up to be, we’d all be living extravagant lives without spending a dime. It’s only free if I sign my income away for the next five years or consent to buying a box three times the size I usually do or immerse myself in an embarrassing amount of debt to a company of loan sharks interested only in finishing me off. See what I did there? FINishing me off? WOW YES. What a fierce thing to say. I am actually growling ferociously as I type this, fingernails filed down to points, my remaining teeth grinding against each other in a maddened mash of filling. I mean feeling. If that doesn’t get you cavitating, I don’t know what will.

There are underused words out there deserving of love. Ones beginning with F, such as FROLIC and FRENZY and FASTIDIOUS. I am also partial to the occasional utterance of FARCICAL, which sums up the mood.

It’s been lovely to have the rabbits around for Christmas. They don’t live with me so I see them when I go to my mum’s, which isn’t all that often. Christmas has been the perfect excuse to hassle them and stuff myself with good food at the same time. I have heard all about their most recent bad behaviours – Jaster helping himself to an apple, covering himself in sawdust, playing dead on the new upstairs landing carpet and thus transforming himself into an unavoidable tripping hazard, sitting in a wheelbarrow with Chip and refusing to budge, looking like lords of their own sad little kingdom of grass cuttings. Oh, to be a rabbit without rule or reason.

I didn’t sleep well on Christmas Eve. I wish I could say it was down to excitement. I think six days of book-related retail mania at work killed off bits of my soul. I got up at sevenish on Christmas Day and unwrapped a few books, mugs and bits of baking paraphenalia which I will happily put to use in the New Year. Sue and Jack did likewise; I haven’t seen much of the latter, probably owing to the fact that he now has Uncharted 3 to distract himself with. Not the kind of game you ignore!

We prepared dinner at my flat – I quickly made a round of shortbread to take back with us (YES IT WAS FRESH), and Sue started on the creme brulée. After returning to my mum’s I got started on my lovely hardback edition of Wuthering Heights and finally watched the first two episodes of Game of Thrones. Jaime doesn’t look like Jaime, I don’t like the actress playing Cersei, Jon Snow and Robb Stark look far too old, Daenarys is annoying, the direwolves are too cute, Cat has no majesty about her…but Arya is spot on, Viserys is perfect, Sean Bean is Sean Bean is The Best. So it let me down and spurred me on to pre-order the boxset, all in the space of two hours and an overdose of lengthy commercial breaks. What an emotional whirlwind.

Today we ventured into town for a walk…there were too many sale-faced bag-wielding nutters about for my liking. Sue managed to lose her bank card, and I found a nice green cardigan in Topshop to go with all my other nice green cardigans I coo over and never wear. Useful. Now I’m strapped to the settee once again, ready to watch The Borrowers with hot drink in hand and an empty head. I’m not ready for work tomorrow, but I don’t suppose any of us are ready for work. Work is something that follows you down dark alleys and looks over your shoulder when you’re desperate for privacy. Work is a life-long Nosy Parker you can only deter with carefully acquired Impossible Wealth, or a fortunate yet non-fatal injury resulting in Accidental Yet Still Welcome Impossible Wealth. How fabulous.

Burnt Sugar

Ripped paper in the morning,
burnt the sugar just past four -
now I’m sprawling, warm and yawning
thinkin there aint nothin more
I could ask of Now, this day.
Disconnected by choice,
waking only to say I am
rested, I declare myself bested by
all the festivities, the
collected best restive
you requested of me.
I have switched off the phone and
the box remains black,
finished dinner then dessert, said
Good Day to the jack of all trades
what’s gone his own Christmas Way.
The woman here is peaceful,
sits still for a change.
Watchin lights nest in branches,
knowing now it is strange to
chop trees then dress them up in this way.
Tradition I bow to ‘cos it don’t hurt and
I care not for disruption today.
I ask only to be left on my own
for this minute, the moment
containing me in it, it takes all
my restraint not to say nothin.
It feels good just to know I’m not running
for a change. Tomorrow we can stir again,
ready for a new year
what’s winging our way.
But today I aint movin or kicking,
just lickin warm custard from my spoon,
passing time without purpose,
goin nowhere
in the very best way.

25.12.2011

 I had a brilliant time at the Britney concert. I know she’ll always get bad press, and there’s no musician alive who is to every single person’s tastes, but for what she does, she’s ideal and doesn’t disappoint. Me and Lisa got there around six-thirty and took our seats (high up on the right hand side – I couldn’t take any decent pictures because if I try to zoom in with my digital camera, it reports a ‘lens error’ and shuts itself off), observing as the LG Arena slowly but surely filled up. Some people were dressed in Britney costumes, others in tour shirts – it was pretty cool. The venue’s huge, so there was an insane amount of people there! The first support act were a bit cheesy, but Joe Jonas was surprisingly good. I’d actually consider listening to his record, he did a good job. Britney looked a bit uncomfortable at first but once she started smiling and talking to the crowd, she relaxed and the show got going. Immaculate stage show, by the way. The budget must have been astronomical! Moving parts, trap doors, aerial acrobatics, fireworks, platforms descending from the sky, a car rolling across stage (during How I Roll, naturally), angel wings…it was the perfect pop show. I’m glad I didn’t myself with taking photos; I just wanted to drink in every bit of it. Visually, very impressive. I’ve found a quick video clip (there are quite a few others on Youtube) and photos from others that were there, so I’m going to share those instead. Full credit to whoever uploaded these!

The only way the night could’ve been better would be if she’d sang Stronger. Or Break The Ice. Still, we had so much fun!

I’m back at work now, today was my third shift. It feels like I never really left, just spent along weekend in a tent. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Who knows. Either way, I’m earning money for Christmas presents and surrounded by people I like, so it can’t be a bad thing. I’m knackered, but that’s nothing unusual. I’m still trying to sort my sleeping pattern out. Consuming copious levels of caffeine won’t help me with this, but tough – the Starbucks Christmas menu is back, and I plan to drink my weight in toffee nut lattes before the year is through…

I’ve only been back from America for a week or so but already I feel like I was dreaming.

I’ve enjoyed the last couple of days. I’ve been hard at work typing up my story, expanding and deleting where necessary…it’s going to be a lengthy process but I’m committed. I’ve also been to the gym and started where I left off with Final Fantasy XIII, just because it’s about time I finish it. I want a nice, slow week of work and relaxation. I don’t care if that makes me antisocial. It’s going to make me feel healthier in my head if I get the workload under control and that’s what I want. Tomorrow I’ll go to the gym, head to Wednesfield for fresh fruit, work on Doors, split the evening between the cinema and more gaming. Sue wants to see Killing Bono so I’m going with her. I’ve already seen it but I do love bin bons, so I’m more than happy to see it twice.

My new employers have been in touch, asking if I can start earlier. They said I could start within a couple of weeks if I wanted to. I’m going to say no, just because there’s still so much to do this month. But for a moment I was tempted. If I get all of my work done quickly, then…

SPOILER: She’s the one gurning in the back row.

These are wonderful photos. I wish I could go back and see everyone I know before I knew them, before I was alive. Wouldn’t it be nice to see all of the different ways it could’ve gone? Mum was telling me about the time she was driven to Bridgnorth, with friends, by a one-armed Irishman they all called Paddy (she doesn’t know his real name now and never knew it then). The car might’ve been a Ford Capri and it had no windscreen, so they got funny looks from other motorists as they went put-putting on their merry little way. Or so I imagine. I’m going to put this little escapade in a story one day, so if you ever see Paddy on your travels, let him know he’s a legend. In my minds eye he wears an eyepatch.

I graduated! AT LAST!

It was so good to have Jack there. I didn’t hang around to party or anything, but I feel as if those days are behind me now. Life begins.

Congratulations to everyone else that graduated in the class of 2009. Apart from the usual bitches who wish me no happiness, I’m sure. Y’all can suck on my First Class Honours degree and fuckin’ like it.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I’m going to make sure I get as much of the following done as is humanly (Sineadly? GODLY?) possible:

• WAKE UP
• GET UP
• FUSS OVER RABBITS
• EAT TOAST DRINK GRAPE JUICE REPEAT
• Tidy up desk, hang degree certificate somewhere
• Edit AT LEAST one of the short stories for the collection
• Check out the job site Lucy recommended
• Complete editorial exercise for job in London
• Print off forms for Master’s degree funding
• Enjoy/lament Rafa’s 4th round match [delete where applicable]
• EAT BIG SUNDAY DINNER YES
• Write up latest edited chapter of C.O.N.
• Finish reading Titus Groan

…that’s a lot. I won’t get it all done, but I’ll give it a go.

** I have removed two paragraphs of text for privacy reasons **

Take a look at this:

The top piece is part of a photocopy of a Christian hymn. I don’t know what the urdu(? that’s a complete guess) translates to, but something tells me it might say the same as the second piece underneath does. I’ll try to remember to scan in the reverse of these snippets next time.

“Great is the mystery of faith”

I think that’s beautiful, frustrating, haunting and true, all at once. Belief is different from faith. I believe in god with a small ‘g’, and there is no need for faith in anything else. I don’t understand atheists. They are just following anti-Gods. These forgotten pieces of paper didn’t make me think too long or hard, but it did make me realise; faith, whether it be in a God or a god or a non-god or a nothing, is a mystery, indeed. There is always something that we will fail to understand about the people around us, which is wonderful.

Just a thought. On with the week. We’re nearly there.