Awwwwh, here goes!

(If you’re only interested in photographs, click here. There’s another link to the photolog at the end of the blog, so to see more photos not included in this post be sure to click and scroll through it at some point)

It’s the beginning of something. What is this? My premature midlife crisis, an adventure, something necessary or just idle fun? Is it all for the words’ sake or all for nothing? Does it even really matter?

This is what happened when I went to London and got on an aeroplane and flew 5,000+ miles and didn’t look back.

“I’ve never flown before. Am I jumping in at the deep end with this eleven and a half hour flight?”

The unanimous verdict was yes, but still, I’d paid. No turning back now. I travelled to London, stayed the night at Hotel Ibis, then journeyed to Heathrow in the morning to take a Virgin Atlantic flight to LAX airport in Los Angeles, California. You can ask me for my thought process in the months prior to doing this and I honestly couldn’t give you very much. There was never a reason why or a purpose. I’d say I’d want more things to write about, but really, I don’t know if that’s true. It is true that I’ve written some good things. It’s true that I’m ready to write up the second draft of Doors. I guess that makes it worth it.

If nothing crucial, it was fun. Oh, it was fun.

Touching down in Los Angeles was unbelievable. Just knowing I was there was a thrill. I really enjoyed flying; the ear-popping was unpleasant, but that aside, I thought it was very comfortable and didn’t seem too unbearably long. I guess my head was fixed on what I was travelling to, which made it go faster. I didn’t sleep.

After getting off the plane, I spent an age in line to go through customs. I was worried that Christian, my friend in LA, would give up and think I’d left the airport alone. Thankfully he was still there when I eventually got my suitcase and reached the arrivals lounge. He took me to my hotel, Hotel Hermosa (highly recommended! Fantastic breakfast!), and we then went to Santa Monica pier for fresh air and a meal.

I was braindead (LA is eight hours behind England, and as I hadn’t slept I was near delirious) but enjoyed the meal, and also had my very first churro. They’re these long sticks of batter coated in cinnamon sugar – disgracefully calorific but tasty. If you’ve ever spent a day with me in person you’ll probably know how strict I am with my food choices (I will not be fat just to make you feel better about yourself), but I got into the it’s a holiday, fuck the diet! frame of mind and tried as many delicious, fattening new things as I could whilst I was there. You only live once, and all that. Except what if we don’t only live once, and upon dying we roll up to the pearly gates and God says WHO’S UP FOR ROUND TWO? Oh. Good grief. All that stupid shit I did was unnecessary? I could have lived a long, relaxing, lazy life and not worried or regretted one single minute of it? Thanks. Thanks a lot, God. Coulda done with knowing that at the time.

Sorry, where were we? Ah, of course, the city of angels. My first morning in America looked a little like this:

My hotel room was spacious, clean, wonderful. I want to go back to Los Angeles, partly because I’d get to stay there again. The bed was just as roomy and comfortable as it looks:

I didn’t really take full advantage of it. I like to curl up in the foetal position on one side of the bed when I sleep, so somebody into spread-eagling would appreciate it more. Or two people, I suppose. Or three. Or four.

My first full day in LA was spent at the Getty Centre, the world famous art gallery and museum. I’m not an art aficianado or anything like that, but I appreciate wandering through galleries and exhibits and knew it was something that had to be seen. I met Christian there (a beautiful scenic tram ride took you up the hill to the main buildings) and we spent a few hours walking around taking it all in.

Here we are:

Christian kept talking about this bed which he swore was in one of the buildings somewhere, but as we couldn’t find it I grew suspicious that he’d imagined the whole damn thing. We asked one of the curators if such a thing existed and the old guy ended up practically walking us there, rambling on the whole time. Nice man but a bit intense! Turned out the bed really was there, anyway. Here we go:

The photograph makes it look like a sofa, but trust me, it was huge and definitely more of a bed.

After leaving there, we headed into central Hollywood and took a stroll down the legendary Walk of Fame.

We ate dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe, felt like I was in a film.

We saw the Chinese Theatre, all of the stars’ hand and footprints outside, and the Kodak Theatre too, where the Oscars were held this year. We also went to a karaoke bar (don’t worry, I didn’t sing) where Christian did a pitch-perfect rendition of that charming tune, Tenacious D’s ‘Fuck Her Gently’:

Christian then kindly dropped me back at my hotel for more much needed sleep.

The next morning seemed perfect for a trek in the general direction of the Hollywood sign! First we stopped off at Christian’s apartment, where I saw a familiar sight staring out at me from the shelves…

Where better to start your quest for world domination than in Hollywood? Now then, the trip to the sign. You can’t get all that close to it, but we did find a trail leading into the hills which we walked for an hour or so. I took the obligatory photographs and together we headed back down, talking Stephen King and British Slang 101 along the way. At this point we also got lost and ended up trekking through a residential area, hoping to eventually end up on familiar streets. It was really hot and my poor made-for-rain self was wilting. By the time we got back to Christian’s car I was dead. Looking back it was fun, but at the time, Hell!

After we’d recovered there was time for a trip to Universal Studios, where we checked out the famous studio backlot tour and also went on the Simpsons 3D ride. I suppose to some it’s much like any other theme park, but I really enjoyed it. Annual passes were the same price as general admission, so I had a good excuse to go back at least once more before I left LA…

In the evening we went to a local open mic night, where Christian performed the song he wrote based on one of the short stories in my book, Three Places:

Honoured, proud, so happy, etc.

On my third day Christian was tied up, so I took the opportunity to head out alone and do some typical-tourist sightseeing. I secretly love doing things like this! I booked onto a local city tour and was whisked away all over the place seeing some truly spectacular sights, the first of which was Venice Beach:

Perfection. We then took a winding route towards Beverly Hills, seeing a few famous homes along the way (I also saw Bel-Air and the house where The Fresh Prince was filmed!). This area is just as picture-perfect and glamorous as the films and photographs make out.

All of the big brand stores were there: Versace, Jimmy Choo, Armani, Gucci, Prada. The tour guide pointed out the store Winona Ryder shoplifted and where Lindsay Lohan reportedly stole jewellery from. Scandalous~

Sad and slightly creepy, but the upstairs room with the balcony is the room where Michael Jackson died:

Rest in peace MJ. I felt guilty for taking a photo, because this isn’t the sort of thing that should be turned into a tourist attraction, but I felt compelled to nonetheless. It was surreal to be in a place I’ve only ever seen in magazines and on the news, filled with people who have only ever seemed half real. On one of the days Christian took me to Calabasas, where there is a housing estate called The Oaks which is home to several famous people, including Britney. It was so beautiful, classy, expensive, etc. but what caught me unawares was how isolated it was. It was gorgeous, but hidden away on a hill with large amounts of foliage and fences to cover it. All of the entrances into the estate were gated and all roadways were guarded by security: ID had to be shown to gain entry, and if you were visiting you had to state a reason, destination, proof of who you were, and so on. What a crazy life to live every day.

The tour took me back into Hollywood, so I wandered around a bit more and bought a few postcards.

In the evening I walked around the area near my hotel, checking out the local shops. I saw a gaggle of Girl Scouts selling cookies and knew I had to buy a box! Feel free to quote The Addams Family:

I also discovered the joy of snickerdoodles, which I bought a box of from a supermarket based purely on the name. They were to become my faithful companion throughout the duration of the trip. Can you buy them in the UK? If not I must bake some. Wonderful, glorious things.

When the morning came it looked like this:

I ventured up to Universal again to take advantage of that annual pass. It was also a great chance to take more photographs and shoot some video. The guy at the front of this picture wasn’t part of the statue, he was a man in makeup:

I bought stuff from the City Walk afterwards, including t-shirts from Hot Topic, just to say I’d been there:

In the evening Christian picked me up and took me to dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I remember the food was good and conversation even better! In the car on the way back to my hotel, he also treated me to a couple of impressions I couldn’t resist filming:

And when the next morning came, I found the time to leave was waiting for me.

Another flight, the first city to miss. I loved LA, loved having the opportunity to see so many things and meet such good people. Thank you Christian for showing me round and putting up with my barage of questions! When you come to England you must visit so I can teach you the lingo and hopefully not get you shot. I want to go back. I could live there, I think. Certainly an improvement on Wolverhampton, but that ain’t really saying much.

To see more photos from Los Angeles please click the following link: (opens in new window)

LOS ANGELES 2011: PHOTOLOG

Next stop: San Francisco.